I’ve Always Hated Myself, But Things Change

Learning to Like Myself One Thing at a Time

I’ve never really liked myself and to even be able to come up with a list of things that I like about myself shows how far I’ve come with my healing because I’ve almost always hated myself. This time last year I would not have been able to compile this list because I would have said there wasn’t anything there to like. A lot of the things I have hated about myself are things I have learned over the past year to like.

My multiplicity

I get frustrated with multiplicity a lot because it’s tough to live with, but I also don’t know what it’s like to not have multiple personalities. They saved my life and give me a broader view of the world. They give me the ability to do things I couldn’t do on my own and I can switch into another if I need to for a particular task.

Of course my alters do what they want to do so they don’t always come out just because I ask them to, but we are all learning to work together and do things that benefit our community a whole.

I love deeply (the best way I know how)

I am a very loyal friend, to the point that if the friendship has become toxic I will still try to hold on. When I find my people, I love them hard. I pour all my energy into a few people rather than a lot. I want the amazing people I know and who have become family to them, that I love and care for them. People don’t get by with saying ugly things about people I love if I am there to hear it.

I am a fighter

I have spent my entire life fighting to survive, and a lot of my personalities call me the Child Who Simply Refused to Die. This is a thing they have helped me do, and most of all, God has done for me. When life gets tough, I get more resilient. I shouldn’t have to, but I step up because it’s the only real choice to make.

I’m deeply spiritual

I’ve always been deeply spiritual, athough I served the wrong things. I’ve turned completely to Jesus, renounced a lot of unholy things, I have a good relationship with Mary and the saints. I like my prayer life, and the rosary, and all the things I have learned. I am a nerd about spiritual stuff and that’s mostly what I know to talk about. Sorry, not sorry.

I value authenticity

This might be partly an introvert thing, but I can’t cope with small talk for very long. People can know I enjoy being around them if I’ll talk to them on a deeper level. It seems more authentic.

My education

I don’t usually play my “I’m educated” card, because I think that’s obnoxious unless it’s actually very relevant to the situation, but I’m proud of how hard I have worked to fight for the right to be educated. My education saved my life.

I know precious little about the things that are of value to everyone else, but I’ve learned what I value and what is worth my time and effort. My Master’s Degree is a huge “fuck you” to my parents who stole my education from me.

I make connections that others don’t

This can be annoying because it means that I can go somewhere every day and still not know how to get there until such time as I can make it connect in some way with something else.

I make deep connections in what I read and how it applies to my life. There are some books I have read that have contributed greatly to my healing because of things that I have learned from them.

I often talk about things that I have connected together that other people don’t understand, and it can be frustrating for both parties at times but it’s rich and significant for me to mesh those things together.

My shaved head

It’s difficult to maintain as I have to shave it twice a day with a six-blade razor and I don’t even get a week out of each blade. I started to do it out of necessity, it blossomed into an ascetic choice, and now it’s a part of my spiritual practice. It’s something that evolved into something beautiful and when it makes me feel physically ugly, I think about what it means to me.

My tattoos

I wish I could get more, because each of mine tell a story about who I am. Some of them have components I often wished I had left out, one of them was done for the wrong reasons, but they show some of the fucked up parts of my story as well as some of the most amazing parts. The ones I wish that I had done differently tell a story of redemption.

My knowledge, not to be confused with my education

I have knowledge about things that most people don’t because they have never needed it, and it sucks when I’m unable to talk about things other people like because I don’t know anything about it.

It also sucks when nobody wants to hear me because they don’t understand what I’m going on about and it’s weird so they don’t want to listen or know. These things that I know are things that have formed me into who I am, and I like who I am becoming.

I can change my mind when shown evidence that I am wrong

Sometimes it takes a very long while for it to click, but when it does, it does. I’m open to new evidence showing me that I was wrong about a topic. In fact, I think it’s a valuable exercise. Most of the time I end up appreciating that I was challenged. This does not apply to people who just want to debate my experiences with me.

Being fluent in street language

This won’t be seen as a positive by many people, in fact I’ve been told that I’m too educated to use swear words, but for me, swear words show certain emotion that just aren’t appropriately expressed in other ways. It has also become a part of who I am, partly because it’s a slap in the face to the way I was raised and it’s part of my rebellion.